A few weeks ago my hubs and I headed out to Maine to celebrate our anniversary and all that we have overcome this last 2ish years. I think the pinnacle experience was standing together on top of a mountain peak in Acadia National Park. But as with most of life’s greatest joys, that view was hard won.
We only had 1 full day to explore the park so I had spent time reading up on hikes and trails and we settled on the hiking path that runs around Jordan Pond and up into The Bubbles (two mounds that rose out of the earth and together looked exactly like a pair of breasts - the irony!). It all sounded fairly simple, and as we set out that morning it seemed like it would be a nice leisurely trek.
But halfway into the hike around the pond my foot landed in just the wrong way on a rock hidden under some leaves and I fell, hard. Ankle sprained, knee banged up and hand a bit sore from catching my fall; I sat and cursed in frustration. This was exactly what we did not need today! But I gathered myself, weighed the options and decided to keep moving. That’s life, right? Onward and upward. As I hobbled along, we eventually arrived at the base of the mountain trail and I told my husband I thought I’d be alright - we had come this far so let’s keep going. This was when I was thinking the ascent would be a simple set of “stairs carved into the mountainside” because that’s what had been written in the trail guide.
It quickly became clear that there were no “stairs” (maybe we had entered at a different spot?) and this was going to be a slow and tedious crawl up the side of a mountain covered in boulders - big, small, unsecured, treacherous… I was terrified. I made it about halfway up before becoming paralyzed in my fear and feeling the overwhelming sense of defeat. I started crying and saying over and over, “I can’t do this. There’s no way. I just can’t! Even if I get up, how the heck will I make it down?!” I was frustrated, angry. Why wouldn’t my body do the things I wanted it to do. Why wasn’t I strong enough, healthy enough. Why did I think that I could even attempt this!? I’m not an "outdoorsy" person am I? I just play at one. My husband was so kind and encouraging, he kept telling me we can head back, that it was ok and I had already done so much, there was no shame in turning back.
I’m truly not sure what it was in the end; my fear of failing or thoughts of letting my husband down, an inner strength I didn’t know I had, probably my stubborn pride - who knows, but we kept going. At each stage in the climb we'd check in with each other, "Well we made it past that, what's ahead can't be much worse right? Let's keep going. Just a few more steps and it will be worth it." We couldn't see what we were working toward, I had seen a picture in the guide book of what could be expected, the vista to look for, but along the way we kept getting a taste of the final view. We would step into a clearing and think, wow this is beautiful, we could turn back now and be happy. But we kept going because we knew that there was an even greater view hopefully just a few more feet away. We eventually made it to the top and took a deep breath. It was most definitely worth the trouble, worth the climb.
It was not lost on me, as I stood there soaking in every minute of our win, the parallels to be drawn from our last 2 years fighting through breast cancer and our experience on that mountain. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my body, my mind, my husband, my God - without them I know I’d have perished before even starting this fight. When I felt weak or tired, my mind let me rest and my body did the fighting. When I was focused on my own needs, my husband never wavered - gave everything for me and kept our house running smoothly every damn day. When I fall victim to fear and find myself overcome by the darkness of reality, my God reminds me of His truths and promises, His peace calms me and renews my hope each day. He provides rest along the way, beautiful views to step into and take a break; chances to reflect and appreciate the journey that we are on, all the while keeping our heart set on that final vista and propelling us forward.
We made the slow and steady retreat back down the boulder-covered mountainside, and when we eventually returned to our house to rest for the afternoon I sat on the couch, my foot elevated on my husband's lap and I just smiled to myself. Because I knew in that moment, with him by my side, I could do anything, everything - and for him, I would. Including beating cancer and sticking around to live a long life by his side.
We all have our own mountains to climb, our own battles to fight. They are all valid, they are each so personal and so important in shaping us into the people we are meant to be in this life. Steady your hearts and press on into the unknown. For it is in the fear that we are forged and the struggles that we find our truest selves. Lean into growth; personal, spiritual or otherwise. Take heart and have faith. I left a piece of my heart on top of that mountain and gained so much more in turn.
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