April 27, 2021
I woke up, remembered everything, and knew it wasn’t a dream. I wished I could go back to sleep and wake up in a different body, one that wasn’t riddled with this disease. I remembered the bomb I dropped into my parent’s laps the night before and immediately felt guilty knowing they probably didn’t sleep at all.
I had to text an update to my boss, Brittany - who is also a dear friend and mentor and who had been following along with me through each imaging and doctor appointment I'd had. I asked if she had time for a call, she said sure - just had to drop her kids off. So I tried to pull myself together. I must have turned on the shower and stepped in at some point - operating on autopilot at this point. But my mind caught up with me as I sat collapsed in a sobbing heap on the floor of the tub. Brittany called me, I turned off the water and sat there in the shower, answered the phone and I couldn't even speak. She did the talking for me. She knew. She knew what this meant. She comforted me as best she could. I told her I was worried I wouldn't be able to take on a new client meeting that was coming up this week. She immediately told me to not even worry, not even think about it, that she would take care of everything. After some time, we hung up and I turned the water back on, aching and yet completely numb.
Cory took Macy to daycare. He stopped in a parking lot to call his mom and tell her the news. When he got home, he found me in the bathroom still crying on the shower floor. I saw the tears on his face, the redness in his eyes and my heart broke all over again. We cried together, holding each other in a heap on the bathroom floor.
It was time to face this. It was time to fight - but first we had to tell the people that we loved. We had to rally our prayer warriors and put on our armor - and thank God we have such amazing family and friends to come alongside us and lift us up in prayer, shower us in support - but this was the shittiest message that we had to deliver to the people we love. With every call, every text message - our hearts broke with every word. Until all that was left was exhaustion and despair.
My OB’s office called in the afternoon - I told them that I was already aware and my PCP had gotten things moving. The OB told me the size of my mass based on the ultrasound: 2.2cm x 1.4cm x 1.4cm. Not terrible. Not great, based on the little that I had allowed myself to read online. I did my best to stay offline. I knew it wouldn’t be good for me.
The world kept turning, life marched on. I had to go get my 2nd COVID shot. My mom drove over after some meetings that morning. She held me on the couch and we cried. We took a deep breath. We were pissed. We were ready to fight. But there was nothing to do yet. Lisa still hadn’t called. We called my PCP office to follow-up again, just looking for anything we could do. The nurse said that everything had been communicated to the Carle Cancer Center and Lisa was working to get the ducks in a row, we just had to wait (still). To process. To grieve - what was, what might have been, what might never be. We felt it all. We picked up Macy early from daycare - she brought the light. I laughed. We ate dinner, mom stayed the night.
God blessed me with some more sleep, the exhaustion was overwhelming.
Comments