June 1, 2021
This is the face of all-consuming fear, anxiety and exhaustion. Today was Day 1 of 8. The cancer center was extremely busy after the holiday weekend. Cory came with me to the center, we had to wait 30+ min. just to get my initial blood work drawn.
I'm hoping that it won’t be like this every time, but we’ll see. The waiting room was mostly elderly folks - I always feel out of place when I’m there.
I overheard a woman loudly say to another gentleman, “Did you see that young girl in here? That’s so sad…”
Yes, it is sad. It’s sad that any of us have to be here. I can think of literally 1,000 other places I’d rather be at the moment - jury duty, teeth cleaning, DMV to get my drivers license renewed… yeah, it’s sad. But it is what it is.
This morning was rough, lots of tears, lots of anxiety. I didn’t want to tell Macy goodbye at daycare. I could barely put her down in her crib last night, I just wanted to hold onto her and never let go. Like my holding her little miraculous body would somehow heal mine and keep me from having to start chemo. But no such luck.
Cory wasn’t able to come back to the treatment area with me, thanks Covid. So I had to go on my own, a big bag of stuff in tow. I brought a book, some snacks, a blanket and a small cooler with popsicles - I’m supposed to suck on really cold stuff during and after the Adriamycin infusion, it’s supposed to help cut down on the risk of mouth sores, post-treatment.
The day was long and slow - I’m guessing probably because of the holiday weekend again, patients that would have typically gotten their infusions on Monday had to come in on Tuesday maybe...unsure. But I got settled in my chair, my nurse Sabrina was a sweetheart. She did her best to make me feel comfortable. I had to start with a long-term anti-nausea medicine, the infusion took about 30 min., then I had to wait about 20 min. until I could get the next infusion. Another anti-nausea medicine, same thing - 30 min. of infusion, 20 min. of downtime before the chemo.
And everything took longer because Sabrina was helping multiple patients, so I would sit and wait for a long while until she was able to come over and administer the Adriamycin. That was the first chemo drug that I got - it was red (affectionately referred to as the "Red Devil"). It looked like the liquid that comes in a jar full of cherries. And it was in a syringe instead of an IV bag. Sabrina had to stand there and slowly push it into my line - took about 15-20 min., maybe it was shorter, it felt longer. And that whole time I had to suck on popsicles, I ate two and then switched over to a cup of ice chips, trying to keep my mouth cold.
Then there was only one more infusion, Cytoxan, which took about 45 min. for the entire bag. I started feeling kind of drowsy with this push. At one point I remember closing my eyes. And then it was done and I could go home. It was a long day - about 8:45am - 2:15pm in total.
I’ve been told that chemo treatments are cumulative - that each treatment will probably get harder to rebound from. I’m scared about that. But I'm going to do my best to stay positive.
Cory was there waiting for me with a big hug. I felt ok - got home and wanted to make the most of the time that I was feeling good so I tried to get a bunch done around the house. A headache started setting in around 4pm. I had a bit of fatigue but not terrible so I enjoyed my time with Macy as much as possible. She and Cory, and all our family and friends, are the ones I’m fighting for. I’ve got to get past this so I can have a long and healthy life with them.
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